First Dates Are Inherently Awkward—Here’s Why
Why do first dates feel so weird, anyway? Christie Kederian, Ph.D., psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist, says it has a lot to do with the wide range of thoughts racing through our minds. “On a first date, there’s a lot that’s happening psychologically,” she says. “You’re having to juggle multiple layers in your mind.” The first layer is reconciling that you’re going out to spend time with someone you previously may have never laid eyes on. “From a young age we’re told, ‘don’t talk to strangers,’” Kederian says. Second, you’re trying to assess for compatibility—i.e., do you feel a connection with this person? And the third layer is chemistry. Do you get along well? Do you enjoy talking with them? If you’re a little out of practice with social environments, then that adds yet another layer. For instance, you may wonder: Should I hug them, shake their hand, or avoid physical contact altogether? It’s a lot to think about at once, and there are consequences—namely, the feeling that it’s all pretty weird. “What happens when you’re thinking more and in your head is that you’re not present in the moment,” says Kederian. “That’s what leads to that awkwardness.” The good news, though, is that you can avoid it with a little prep work.
First Date Questions and Conversation Starters
“When you’re face to face, it’s important to have elements of both lightheartedness, but also try to go a bit deeper and learn more about them as a person,” says Kederian. Avoid being too superficial or going too deep with first date questions and prompts like these:
Safe Strategies if a First Date Gets Awkward
If you do hit a moment during your date when neither one of you knows what to say next, it doesn’t necessarily spell doom. “As long as a first date doesn’t completely bomb, I would definitely give it a second date,” says Kederian. “Most couples don’t come out of a first date saying, ‘Oh, this was the one.’” There are simple ways to move beyond any uncomfortable silence, though. Try to ask a question that enables you to find a show or a book that you both enjoyed, and you’ll have something to talk about, says MacLean. For example, you could say, “I’ve watched so many good shows lately—what’s your most re-watched/favorite one?” or “I’ve read so many great books over the last year—what’s your favorite book?” Alternatively, you can fall back on asking about other activities they may have done recently, like baking or listening to podcasts. Pets are another positive, easy topic that often enables you to find common ground, says MacLean. More than 60 percent of singles said four-legged friends were the best icebreaker when it comes to meeting someone, according to an August survey of 3,400 Plenty of Fish users. Additionally, commenting on your surroundings and what’s happening where you are in the present moment is always a good fallback topic, as it’s already a shared experience for the two of you, says Kederian.
First Date Dos and Don’ts
Don’t come in too hot with jokes.
While it may seem tempting to come up with a charming opening or even make a joke as an opening line when meeting someone in person for a first date, Kederian says it’s better to just be yourself. “I don’t recommend doing anything like that, as it could go any which way,” she says. “You don’t know how people will perceive it.” A good rule of thumb is to keep things lighthearted without assuming too much about a person’s sense of humor ahead of time.
Keep it shorter than you think.
Plan for a first date to not last too long. Kederian suggests keeping your time together from one to one and a half hours, like meeting up at a café for dessert and coffee or at a restaurant bar for wine and cheese. Also, consider planning something you need to do after the date ends so you have a clear stopping point. “The pressure happens when you plan a first date that ends up going for three hours,” she adds, which can open the door to awkward silences.
Don’t look at your phone.
Remember to give your connection a chance by keeping your phone off the table (and not checking it every five minutes). “Try to stay focused, keep eye contact, and don’t look around at every person walking by,” says Kederian.
End on a positive note.
Finally, if you enjoyed getting together, be sure to express that before you head on your way. It can be as easy as saying, “Hey, I had fun meeting you, and would love to do it again sometime.” This opens the door to a second date and leaves the ball in the other person’s court, says Kederian. She recommends doing this even if you aren’t positive you had a strong connection. Relationships need time to unfold, so do some reflecting after your first date is over to assess how it went. “You might be surprised after the date [to realize] that you had a good time, [because] when on the date, you might have been too nervous,” she says. “Suspend judgment and don’t decide while you’re on the first date if you want a second one.”
